Jeremy's Club Song/Candace's Death
This is an episode of Carl's Pop Song Reviews. Carl reviews the songs "Tonight, Tonight" by Jeremy and the Incidentials and "If I Die Young" by the Band Flynn-Fletcher. He thinks "Tonight, Tonight" is a song for middle schoolers and thinks "If I Die Young" is about a spoiled teenage girl fantasizing about her funeral. Memorable Quotes in "Jeremy's Club Song" Carl: Yeah, new place everyone. Major Monogram asked me to move out. I guess he watched my videos and got tired of me using his stuff.....and his jokes.... Carl: I know what I'm going to do today! I'm going to review an overrated, overplayed, oversaturated hit song that I know everyone is dying for me to give the "Carl the Intern" treatment. (reads a piece of paper, and crumples it up) ....Apparently, I have to review a pipsqueak of a song by a band that no one's heard of or cares about. Oh well. Carl: Rock bands could be finally making a comeback. Here, we have some good ol' boys from Danville out to conquer the world with their unique blend of garage rock influence and southern rock awesomeness! Baljeet: (sings "Give Me a Grade") Carl: No, that's the Baljeatles. The band I'm supposed to be talking about is called "Jeremy and the Incidentials", and they are from Danville, but from what I can gather, garage rock is probably not one of their influences. Jeremy: La, la, la, whatever, la, la, la.... Carl: ....Yeah, we'll get to that.... Carl: There's something seriously, seriously wrong with "Tonight, Tonight". Something far more irritating, and before we start, in addition to "party" and "rocking" the Stommeling brothers and Jeremy and the Incidentials have one more thing in common: NEPOTISM! ("We Are Family" begins playing) Carl: Yes, family connections, which explains why these talentless wads got a record deal, but Irving and Albert can say that they were responsible for having family members that made good music. Jeremy and the Incidentials' connections are much suckier, and pay attention, folks, this will be the first and last time anyone will care about Jeremy and the Incidentials again. (screen shows Jeremy's uncle playing a guitar and singing) Carl: This is Joe Johnson, the uncle of one of the band members. He used to be in a rock group in the eighties', and he was actually pretty good, but in the 2000's, Joe decided to change genres and get sucked into the black hole that is (in an evil voice) CHRISTIAN ROCK. (screen shows a picture of a hippie wearing a shirt with Jesus on it while evil music plays in the background) Annotation: IT'S COOL TO LOVE JESUS Carl: The other two band members' fathers started working together in the mid-90s. They produced some of the worst manufactured pop-country songs I've ever heard. Isabella: (with Autotune) Oooh, I love the way you love the way you love me, there's no where else I rather be... Carl: (shudders) Carl: So, what kind of music do the spoiled-(bleep) kids of the world's most boring musicians make? Well, let's take a listen! (screen shows Jeremy dressed as a nerd) Jeremy: (singing) It's been a really, really messed up week, seven days of torture, seven days of bitter. And my girlfriend went and cheated on me, (shows Candace making out with Cain) she's a California dime, but it's time for me to quit her. (Coltrane, who is also dressed as a nerd, walks over to Jeremy and tries to comfort him about losing Candace) Jeremy: La, la, la, whatever.... (Stacy walks by and accidentally spills coffee on Coltrane's shirt. Coltrane looks upset for a second, then shrugs) Jeremy: La, la, la, it doesn't matter... Carl: Well, he's sure taking that well. Weirdly well. Kinda confusingly well. Was "la, la, la, whatever" a really appropriate response to that? Is anyone else besides me thinks he's weird for being that chill about it? What's with this guy? (shows Carl opening the door to his house) Gosh, what a beautiful day! (picks up a newspaper off the ground and reads it) Let's see what's in the news! Heinz Doofenshmirtz is rising to power!? My Little Pony is taking over the universe!? Oh well! (singing) La, la, la.... Carl: At this point, I already hate this song. There are some singers who can make nonsense syllables like "la, la, la" and view them with depth, meaning.... Baljeet, Irving, and Django: La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I love you... Carl: And there are some artists that make already meaningless syllables and make them sound so dopey that they actually have no meaning. They suck the meaning out of the words around them. Carl: There's something about the tone of this song that just (bleeps) me off. Okay, I usually don't quote other critics, but I usually read other people to find the general feel of what's out there, and doing so, I came across one blog writer who said that that "Tonight, Tonight" sounded, quote, "the guy from the Arby's ads teamed up with the freecreditreport.com band and released a three minute song". Well, review over, I'm not going to beat that. Carl: I truly hate it when I can't tell the difference between a song and a commercial. A few years ago, there was an ad for a new MP3 player, and there was a song that I thought was a jingle for the ad because there was no way that a song that stupid could be real. Ferb: One, two, three, go ahead and come with me, cause you look so fine, and I really wanna make you mine.... Carl: "Cause you look so fine, and I really wanna make you mine". (gags) To this day, I can't believe that that is a real song. Carl: The fact that they named this song "Tonight, Tonight" is lazy. Part is because there's already a good song called "Tonight, Tonight", and because naming a song called "Tonight, Tonight" is like naming a song called "Love You Love You Baby Love Love". Just about anyone can create a generic party song with the words "tonight", "everybody", "fun".... Gretchen: Fun, fun, fun, fun... Carl: Or worse, "everybody have fun tonight". Zanzibar: Everybody have fun tonight... Carl: That song's awesome. Jeremy: I woke up with a strange tattoo, not sure how I got it, not a dollar in my pocket. And it kinda looks just like you, mixed with Zach Galifianakis.... Carl:....What? What was that verse intended to convey? That's going way over my head. Is this a joke? Is that supposed to be a punchline that he's a colossal (bleep)-up? Was that supposed to be a slam against his cheating girlfriend? That he got a tattoo of a bearded fat guy who looks nothing like her? Burn....? Carl: You know, there are some party songs out there that turn me off because they're sleazy or gross, like basically all of Stacy's songs. But "Tonight, Tonight" goes wrong in the opposite direction. Jeremy: It's my party, dance if I want to, we can get crazy, let it all out... Carl: (sarcastically) Woo yeah, crazy. Does this sound like a party you would want to go to? This is not the "fun" kind of party. This isn't the party where you do "it" and meet people. This is the party thrown by your school's PTA. This is the party that they throw after eighth grade graduation because they're afraid that you're going to drive around drunk and get pregnant, so they throw an all-night sleepover party to go to instead at the community center. You can play games like "pin the tail on the platypus" and "bobbing for apples in non-alcoholic punch". And no one you want to talk to is there, and the girl who you wanted to ask to the eighth grade dance but you never had the nerve to ask suppposedly is there, so that's the only reason why you came. But she didn't come, and she went to some other party with the basketball team captain, who's a total jerk. And the basketball team sucked the entire year, but who cares. And she Facebooked about how awesome the party was, and you wished you could have gone, but God knows that you probably weren't invited. And it probably would have sucked anyway because she would be all over Basketball Jerk the entire time. But it would have still been better than staying all night in the (bleep) gym with your (bleep) sleeping bag and your (bleep) pajamas, waiting for your mom to pick you up.....Yeah.....that kind of party...I think we've all been there.... Stacy: There's a place downtown, where the freaks all come around.... Carl: So, too much partying.... Jeremy: Tonight, tonight.... Carl: Not enough partying... Phineas and Isabella: Summer belongs to you! Carl: Just right. Jeremy: Even the white kids.... Carl: Even the white kids? EVEN THE WHITE KIDS!? Oh, (bleep) you, you (bleep) little (bleep)! (sarcastically) Get it? Because the lead singer is white! Whiter than a snowman! Get it!? (laughs sarcastically) So clever, you (bleep) insufferable little (bleeps). Carl: And that was the point where I agreed that Jeremy and the Incidentials were not only boring and bland, but worse than Gretchen, who made "Friday", the most annoying party song in the world. How do I put this? Well, I watched all three Danville School Musicals. Monty, Vanessa, Candace, Phineas, Stacy, and Coltrane: We're all in this together.... Carl: Don't ask me why, I just did. Now, I don't think I'm going to hurt anyone's feelings by saying they're all awful. Badly made, badly written, badly acted Disney garbage. But at the end of the day, you can't get mad at Danville School Musical. It's too stupid to know any better. But, what if you took Danville School Musical and kept it just as bland and lame, except you added a huge dose of smug and arrogant self-awareness? Then you'll have something like Glee. Candace, Jeremy, Stacy, Vanessa, and Baljeet: Don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling... Jeremy and the Incidentials: (sing "Tonight, Tonight") Carl: This song makes me feel exactly like that. Not only is this song horrible, it knows it, and it wants you to know it. Eat. My. (bleep). Carl: I've covered people on this show that were one-hit wonders, like Albert, and Phineas and the Ferbtones, only to see them pull a second hit out of nowhere. Please, please, God, please let Jeremy and the Incidentials become a one hit wonder. Please dump them in the same trash can where we dumped Lindana or Max Modem. Jeremy: Tonight, tonight.... Carl: (annoyed) Tonight, yes. (walks away) (episode ends) Memorable Quotes in "Candace's Death" Carl: These days, I've noticed that country music has attracted way younger people. This used to be a genre for adults, and it still is. But still, music now is directed to a much younger crowd. The male artists look like jean models for Abercrombie and Fitch (shows Jeremy playing a guitar and singing) and the female artists are cute redheads, hot blonds, tan, and, like, nineteen (shows Katie singing). Everyone's just gotten much, much prettier. Look, sixties, (shows a picture of Clyde Flynn), seventies, (shows a picture of Irving's dad), eighties (shows a picture of Max Modem), nineties (shows a picture of Heinz Doofenshmirtz at around 30 years old), now (shows a picture of Cain without a shirt on). You see the difference? Carl: Yeah, country singers are still singing about alcohol, and family, and loving America, but it has to make room for songs about boys, blue jeans, and ponies. And if we're going to talk about country music converting to teeny bopper music, we've got to talk about the pretty pink pony princess herself, Mindy. Mindy: Jeremy looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see... Carl: Mindy is one of the most successful teen country singers in the world, partly because no one speaks to teenage girls like she does. I've already bashed her enough for her girly teenager stuff, but I have to forgive her for this one thing: she believes what she's selling. The only time I found her "Mindy-ness" grating was when she released "Fifteen". But she has a sincerity about her that is impossible for anyone to mimic, but that hasn't stopped anyone from trying. Ladies and gentleman, I present you, the Band Flynn-Fletcher. Carl: Newcomers of the country scene, the Band Flynn-Fletcher, are a brother-sister group made up of three siblings: Phineas, Ferb, and the lovely redhead Candace. Yes, of course she's a Candace. Carl: I don't know why it took so long for "If I Die Young" to take off, nor do I know why such an oddly morbid song became popular with the public. But the Mindy comparison is good. We don't see Mindy sing about topics such as death and suicide. Candace: If I die young, bury me in satin, lay me down on a bed of roses, sink me in the river at dawn, send me away with the words of a love song... Carl:....Geez, picky picky. You do realize that funeral arrangements are expensive, right? All of this isn't gonna be cheap. But if you wanna bankrupt your family to have a fancy funeral service, go right ahead. It's your problem, not mine. Let me just right down the stuff that you want for this sad time. (takes out a pad of paper and a pencil) Candace: If I die young, bury me in satin.... Carl: Ah yes, the soft feel of satin. The fabric of our....well, "lives" doesn't exactly fit with the plot of this song. Go on. Candace: Lay me down on a bed of roses.... Carl: Gotta make some floral arrangements. Check. Candace: Sink me in the river at dawn.... Carl: Want the old "cinder blocks around the ankles" treatment? Gotcha. (looks at the list)....Um, what order did you want me to do all this stuff in? So, I have to bury you in a bed full of roses, and then dig you out of the ground to sink you in the river? Did you want this all on the same day? If we sink you in the river at dawn, and the entire service has to happen before sundown, it'll be impossible. Gosh, this is a lot of steps. Are you sure all of this is necessary? And what was the last part you said? Candace: Send me away with the words of a love song.... Carl: Can do! Phineas and Ferb: (send Candace away on a boat. While they do that, "I'll Make Love To You" by Boyz II Men begins playing) Carl: I...I'm sorry. Is that inappropriate? I got distracted with all these other details. Carl: One other question, before I order all the roses and the boat and the satin. Are you actually dying? Candace: The sharp knife of a short life.... Carl: Do you have any reason to die young? Do you have cancer or something? You don't mention anything. Did you live a dangerous lifestyle? Considering that you're a Caucasian American female and you have the highest life expectancy in the world, I fail to see why you think you'll die young. Carl: Maybe she's suicidal. I guess that could be it. Maybe she has a abusive, unloving family. Candace: Lord, make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother, she knows I'm safe with you when she dances under my colors.... Carl: She seems to speak fondly of her mom, so that can't be it. I'll say she's depressed about boys. Everyone always is. Candace: I've never known the lovin' of a man... Carl: See!? I told you. She's all depressed and (bleep) because she thinks she'll never find a man who loves her. Candace: But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a boy in town says he'll love me forever... Carl: Nah, it's not about love either. The future looks pretty good for this chick. What's she being all gloom and doom about? Carl: I guess she wants to leave a good-looking corpse. (in a Valley Girl accent) Because what's the point? No one will care if I die old. If I die old, like, bury me in garbage, and lay me down on a bed of roaches, because no one cares about me. (in his normal voice) I mean, seriously, at least Mindy only planned her wedding. What kind of chick would fantasize about her funeral? Who would write this? I don't get it. Candace: A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar, they'll be worth much more after I'm a goner, and maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singin', funny when you're dead how people start listenin'... Carl:......Oh. Oh, okay, I get it know. I get the reason why this exists. I guess she's been through that phase. Heck, I'm like a lot of you! I've been through that phase. (scene cuts to Carl wearing all black, writing an emo song. Someone knocks on his bedroom door) Carl: Go away, I'm busy. (person knocks again) Carl: Go away! (puts headphones on) If I was dead, they all would listen to me. At least Johnny knows what I'm talking about. (screen cuts to present day) Carl: Gosh, I was such a whiny little brat all those ten months ago that was filmed. But that's the entire mindset that this song is written under. This is why she plans her funeral like it's her sweet sixteen. This isn't about death or sadness, it's about fantasizing about death. Candace: Funny when you're dead, how people start listening... Carl: At this point, this stops being a song about contemplation of life cut short, and starts being a song about using death to get attention. Candace: Funny when you're dead, how people start listening.... Carl: Yeah, funny. Actually, no, it's not funny, or true for that matter. Some people's thoughts are reexamined after they die, but not many. Usually, people die and no one cares about who you are or what you have to say. (screen shows Phineas showing people his old dog Bucky's gravestone) Phineas: My dog died when I was little. My parents lied to me and told me that he went to live on some guy's farm. Does anyone have anything to say? Buford: .........Um.....amen, I guess...... Carl: Usually, people start listening to dead people if they had something of value to their lives. I'm not sure if the narrator of this song is going to leave anything behind except a journal full of bad poetry and doodles of My Little Ponies. (mocking Candace) Omigod, people are actually listening to what I have to say! And wars and stuff are bad. And puppies are, like, totally awesome! And Phineas and Ferb are, like, soooo busted! And like, Stacy was totally a mean girl (bleep) and Coltrane was so stupid for going out with her in the first place. But everyone knows that he's going to leave Jenny and go back to her, like omigod! I can't wait to be dead it'll be totally awesome. Candace: So put on your best boys, and I'll wear my pearls.... Carl: (sarcastically) Yes, Candace, death is all about jewelry and nice clothes. Carl: This is a piece of emo teenage (bleep). This is for kids who are too old for Alexis Texas, but not old enough to shop at Hot Topic. Carl: I actually don't know what insights that I expected Ms. Flynn to have on death at the tender age of.... Annotation: Candace Flynn. Age: 28. Carl: ....What? What!? Twenty-eight!? Holy (bleep), that's older than I am! If you die young!? Heck lady, you're running out of time! Please tell me that you found this song in a ten year old diary of yours! What was all that (bleep) about never knowing a man's touch? Why would anyone above the age of eighteen write this!? I'm flabbergasted! What the (bleep) was this? I'm sorry, but this song just went from bad to inexcusable. I can't believe they put this out. This is (bleep). You know what, Candace? If you die young, I'm going to make sure you get buried in the refrigerator next to Bucky, your pet dog. What are you gonna do about it? You're dead! Deal with it! (episode ends) Trivia *The creator thinks "Tonight, Tonight" and "If I Die Young" are "meh" songs *The Band Flynn-Fletcher is a parody of The Band Perry (The Band Perry has nothing do with platypuses) *If Candace is 28 in "Candace's Death", then Phineas and Ferb are about 23 years old. *Gretchen is supposed to be Rebecca Black in this series *The creator likes Glee, and was obsessed with High School Musical when she was 10 *The song that Ferb sang was "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" by Jet *Phineas and Ferb weren't really included in "If I Die Young", since Carl mostly complained about Candace. They just played instruments and sang background vocals. Category:Fanon Works Category:Stories by Tpffan5196 Category:Carl Category:Jeremy Johnson Category:Coltrane Category:Candace Flynn Category:Reviews